Wednesday, 16 June 2010

• Can SSA/Gay People Enjoy Straight Sex? How About Their Spouse? (Part 1)

  I think this blog title is my longest to date! :)
  
  Over the last 2 weeks I've had 2 or 3 people on xanga ask me about straight sex/marriage from an SSA perspective. I thought I'd try and do a mini-series on this topic because I figured we could try and make this a conversation. So I'll kick this post off with an email I received.
  
  

  "I Struggle with SSA and wanted to know how you seemed to get married. I long for a wife but am so scared my struggle will prevent me from "preforming" my duties as a husband to satisfy her. Can you offer any wisdom or guidance as I begin my walk to freedom from this struggle?"
  

  
  I think I've previously shared a bit about my sex life and sex in general (from my perspective), which is probably where the above question flowed from. I don't think you can search within my blog, so I'll try to go through and add "tags" to my old blogs. But that will be a task, that may take some time/inspiration.
  
  #1 Feeling concern/fear of not being able to perform well is a fear shared by most of us with SSA. I know 1 big thing that helped me was knowing my fiancee. None of the fear came directly because of her. I just feared the unknown. What would happen? Would we just go to bed every night without either of us engaging each other? Would my little guy do anything or hibernate for a very long winter? How would my wife respond to my unaroused state? Would I be turned on by her naked or semi-clothed body?
  These are all legitimate questions. I don't know if these are questions going through your mind, or if you have others. I don't encourage ignoring these types of questions. In the long run it's better to explore them now then after marriage.
  
  Something to keep in mind while exploring these questions is that a marriage relationship is always evolving and growing or dieing. Porn and fantasy (along with masturbation) don't prepare a person for a marriage relationship. If you can break those addictions before marriage, you'll be started off much better.
  
  I can't answer any of the above questions for you. But I'll briefly share a few of my experiences. (Keep in mind I was still addicted to porn, fantasy & masturbation.)
  
  After I Proposed
  A few weeks after I proposed I was back in university away from Anna. I began to wonder what I was getting myself into. This is really when all the above questions became serious and needed answer. I didn't get answers, but decided love/marriage is a huge step of faith/trust no matter to a man or a woman. I knew Anna since we were 16, so I figured if I'm going to jump with someone she the 1 I'm going to jump with...instead of some imaginary man/relationship and a change in my conviction about same-sex sexual relationships.
  
  The Wedding Night
  It was a long but amazing day. Wedding service was awesome. Reception was fun. We were driven to the airport hotel, so that we could get our flight the next day. The room had the hugest bed I'd ever seen!! Seriously, 4 adults could have slept on it-no problem. Lots of space to "role around", if you know what I mean...but I wasn't really thinking about that. At least not in a fun/exciting way. I didn't freak out...I just had no "plan" and didn't know what we'd be doing. We never talked through what our first night together would be like. Thankful my wife took the lead and said she was going to get in the shower and said I could join her if I wanted to. I decided to follow. We kissed/made-out and embraced for a bit. Then finished our shower and went to sleep together. I think that's exactly what I needed. I definitely didn't need the frustration/anxiety that comes along with figuring out how sex works! (It's not as easy as you would think, at least not for us.)
  
  The Honeymoon
  We had a decent honeymoon suite in a small beach hotel in an island in Malaysia. I think we had around 10 days there, so didn't feel rushed into getting our sex on, but it didn't take long for us to try having sex. My wife was not sexual active prior to me, but has been molested (without intercourse) so she was trying to figure everything out along with dealing with our own fears and emotions. So we had a lot going against us. I didn't exactly struggle with getting an erection, it just wasn't very strong or long lasting. I think this was mostly due to anxiety and lack of confidence. All those questions I had previously thought were still in my mind. I'm trying to remember how long it took before I was able to climax inside her, but did happen sometime during the week. But I do remember it took a few days, because I remember masturbating on the 2nd or 3rd day because I was blue balling in a major way! I felt guilty for M'ing on my honeymoon, but the past is the past and the future allows for grow. I don't think I ever told my wife. May be I should. Our current marriage group just discussed the topic of "confession" last night.
  
  Time Warp (extremely brief for now)
  Our sexual relationship took a long long time to develop. We both had our pasts to deal with and I didn't find freedom from P&M until 2 years into marriage. That was a HUGE problem. It didn't exactly build trust or a strong foundation. She's almost left me at least twice. And has told me that she will leave me if I become addicted to porn again...and won't return until I get free again. I understand and agree with it. I don't want our daughter to have any influence of porn in her life.
  I need to wrap this 1st installment up now.
  
  If you have any questions based on what I've written or any that related to this topic. Just post them as a comment and then I'll try and answer them in a follow-up post. 
  
  I try and live as honestly as possible. I find personal honesty can bring about great growth and it's probably the main reason why my marriage is still alive. Of course the Holy Spirit is a greatest help in being able to trust each other (my wife and I) with pure honesty.
  
  peace my fellow strugglers,
  daniel
  
  

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