A good friend of mine, Jeff, posted a link on his xanga. It was a "sermon" on SSA, same-sex-sex and the bible...along with 3 great testimonies. It was one of the most exciting sermon's I've probably ever heard. It made me want to pick up and move so I can join that church. I'm going to do that...so I'm praying that the rest of the Church will follow their example and create a culture of "Come as you are." How powerful! I promise you, that you don't want to miss listening to this.

http://www.gatewaychurch.com/media/2009/08/30/letsexpress-same-sex-aug-23-2009/

peace,
daniel

Around 2 weeks ago, on June 22, I looked at porn and then masturbated. I wanted to make a record of this here, so that I remember and compile my processing thus far.

June 23rd (Email to my accountability partners)
'So, last night I looked at porn and then masturbated. I don't really know why. Gay images didn't really do anything for me. Even the straight porn was so fake, but it gave me an erection which I quickly released and then went to sleep...or tried. I didn't sleep well last night.
I recently added Stumble toolbar to my browser and played around with it last night. And oddly enough it made me stumble. Ok, I made me stumble, but it felt like if I wasn't "searching" for it...it wasn't so bad or something like that. I don't know. So I feel crappy and ashamed and stupid and I just had sex with my wife the day before!! She was so considerate to have some quick sex while the house was empty and our daughter was taking her nap...ahhhh....I don't want to tell her and may be I shouldn't...i don't know...that's why I have you guys, so she doesn't have to feel responsible to help me deal with my struggle. But I think I still need to ask for forgiveness...I don't know...I could use your guys prayer. I hate this feeling and remember why I hate porn so much!!!! It fucks you up... :('

Response #1
Daniel: So what was your mind process as you decided to look at porn after so long?

Response #2
About telling your wife, obviously this is your decision, however I'm think I recall hearing that you and your wife have an honesty policy? As hard and embarrassing as it might be, I think it is important that as husband and wife you share these things as to not let them fester inside. As I'm sure you know, this helps with healing and keeping the communication lines open. While you may experience some turmoil from it, at least you have shown honesty which may bring you guys closer in the long run.

June 24th (Another email to my accountability partners)
Last night was difficult. Went to bed kind of early, but was really tired from getting up so early. I was told there was wifi in the house we were staying at so I thought I'd see if I had an messages, but there was no signal...so I tried watching TV. It had 4 channels all of which I didn't care about, so I decided to read my Bible. I really wanted to touch myself to give myself some nice pleasure, so I "ran" to God. After around 30 seconds of pushing in and asking my savior for help...the battle was over. I just kept reading my bible until I fell asleep.
Regarding the guilt I've been feeling...yesterday it lingered. Anytime work slowed a bit I was reminded of my actions the night before. Since I've struggled with P addiction for so long, I've realized guilt is good when it drives me to my knees before my God. But when it gets me to focus on myself alone, then I have to fight it. Remind myself of relevant scriptures and choose to believe in them.
Today is a new day. I'm feeling better about myself, but will continue to try and process why I had this fall.

June 27th (Another email to my accountability partners)
I'm back in the house where I looked at porn last time. I'm not feeling inclined at all, currently, but I'm a little nervous when I go to bed. I'm planning not to open my laptop, I'll just go straight to bed. (And that's what I did.)

June 30th (Another email to my accountability partners)
I'm so happy to be home with my family. My wife and I talked a lot last night...catching up on our past week. I talked about you guys and the group...and then we had said good night. I didn't want to tell her about last monday, but I figured if I delayed til tomorrow it might be even harder. So I just went for it. Tried to explain as best I could. She was annoyed and angry...not extreme, but just not what she wanted. She was looking forward to being home with me again and I could tell sex was going to be on. But I couldn't make any moves without tell her first which I also knew wouldn't turn her on. But at least I told her. It was late so she just said lets talk about it tomorrow. I agreed. I felt like a crap husband. She did say 'I love you' before she went to sleep. Hopefully we'll get some time to talk it over more tonight.

Another email
Me being open with my wife has been very very hard at times, but it's made our relationship much better. It's challenged me to be the man of God I need to be to her. It makes the ugliness of sin very apparent. :(

July 2nd (Another email to my accountability partners)
Anna and I talked last night. She decided it wasn't that big of a deal. She just had to make sure that's how she felt. So, I think we're doing well again. I just need to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Additional Reflections
When I told my wife that I looked at porn, I tried to explain to her how it felt this time. I will try and summarize it here. Like I said above, the images didn't really do anything for me. I couldn't engage with them or enter into my previous fantasy world. It was like I forgot how to move into that universe. I charged my sexual drive by viewing the photos...a feeling of sexual energy, but again, not from the images but more from the experience. If I remember correctly, this was similar to my last experience of looking at porn. It seems like porn has lost it's place in my heart. I can still imagine I could become re-addicted to it, but of the many years of training my mind to feed of it, but even then...i think it would be different.

There's another blogger called TCMan. It seems like he might have a similar experience to this, although straight porn now turns him on. I'm not sure if that's true for me. I've tended to look at gay porn because of habit. I do recall starting to look at more straight porn, but it's been along time so can't really remember so well.

I think that summarizes (long summary ay) most of what I've been thinking about.

I have some ideas for this blog, but honestly I'm just kind of tired. Why? Because is just had 2 12-hour work days where I was leading the majority of the seminar. It was tiring, but exciting and fulfilling work. I was a bit disappointed with myself a few times, cause I wasn't able to concentrate well while one of our board members was talking through the more complicated details. I'm going to stop talking about work, because I know it's boring to read. I'll just highlight that last night I'm pretty sure I just got promoted to be the national livelihood director. Do I really want this position? No, but I've been bitching about problems in my org for so long, that now is that time to work. I told my wife and she's excited for me, even though I'll most likely be traveling a whole lot more.
OK, last thing about work. All of the changes that are happening in my org could make us the most effective and efficient community development org in the WORLD. I know that's a huge statement, but on paper it's true. So, I guess we're 25% there. Right? :)

Because of my exhaustion, by the time I started driving home a thought of humping things kept coming back to my mind. Thankfully I had a roommate the first 2 nights, but the 2nd night the desire to hump was even stronger. Not overpowering at all, just kind of there in the background. My 3rd and last night..I kind of had a roommate, but he came to bed late so i had more time to "wander". On the drive to my bed, I text my wife asking if she wanted to sextxt. She said it would be much more fun if we just waited...oh women and their...just let the excitement build and all...I texted back saying I agreed. Back to trying to fall asleep, I really want to M and in some ways "looked" that way...but then I txt my wife again (around 11pm) saying i was being tempted and wanted to txt to bring "light" into the situation so it would go away. It worked and I slept. I arrived back on my island this morning, worked all morning, but stayed home for the afternoon. Did a bit of work here and there...but the best thing was the afternoon sex!! She was right...and I was right, even though I only mentally believed her. Why are wives always right?

Because of my promotion and all the other changes, I really have no idea what my next few months look like. I'm suppose to go to Macau and Rwanda, but who knows. I am getting me a baby at some point though. I know it'll be even crazier, but work will always be there...we're still hoping to get matched around july or august.

peace,
daniel